


The Facts Of Life

by queenofharts1



Category: WWE
Genre: Awkward Boners, Awkward Crush, But It's Well Intentioned And Cute, Cute, Dean does NOT like Starbucks, First Love, Fluff, M/M, Nerd Dean, Quirky Dean, Stalker Dean, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 01:29:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11703960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofharts1/pseuds/queenofharts1
Summary: Cats average 16 hours of sleep a day, more than any other mammal.During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.Or Dean uses numeral facts to distract himself from the outside world, his head.......and the cute glasses wearing boy who hasn't left his mind since he first laid eyes on him.





	The Facts Of Life

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back!  
> But by royal decree of people who DON'T want me on a ledge, I can only write fluff and light smut, so here's my first one!

**_Cats average 16 hours of sleep a day, more than any other mammal._ **

**_During pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size._ **

**_Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it._ **

Alright rush around this corner, gonna be tight. Ah crap! I tore a hole in my new jeans. Well, no time to be careful when destiny is quickly getting away.

**_The average human head weighs about eight pounds._ **

**_The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words._ **

**_The average life expectancy of a beaver in captivity is five years._ **

Rushing faster than the speed of your rapid heartbeat, while simultaneously dodging pedestrians AND making sure the person your following doesn't see said _miraculous_ display is stressful enough without any wicked thoughts or voices getting involved. That's why I have my facts to keep me nice and distracted.

Out of breath and scared out of my mind, but distracted.

OK, he turned the corner. Damn.....he's even beautiful from behind.....OH SHIT, HE TURNED AROUND!!! WHERE DO I HIDE??? Guess the trash can is more politically correct than the pregnant lady, besides it's the only place I belong........No no no no! Your facts, remember your facts!

**_The average elephant produces 50 pounds of dung each day._ **

**_The average fox weighs 14 pounds._ **

**_The average healthy porpoise lives 30 years._ **

Quick look from the trash can...good he's not looking. Back to pursuing! Back to dodging! Back to wondering what the fuck I'm gonna do when I finally grow a pair and talk to him. Christ.

Great, he went into a Starbucks.....well first time for everything. There he is, looking fine. Bet it takes extra time looking that fine.

**_The average American woman spends 55 minutes per day getting showered, dressed, and groomed._ **

They're definitely not the only ones. I'll just hide in this line and watch him from afar. I can't wait till he's mine, we'll do everything together like watch TV and go hiking and....and.....

**_The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes._ **

Oh....I think we'll do better than that. Oh no no no! Not here! Go down, GO DOWN! What if he walks over? Wait, your facts, think of gross facts!

_**The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.** _

_**The average person's scalp has 100,000 hairs.** _

_**The average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.** _

Yeeeep, that'll do it. Back down you go, my man. Someday....someday. "Hey, " Oh shit, oh shit, oh no, oh crap, he's here, he's talking to me!!! "Listen, man, this is gonna sound nuts but have I seen you somewhere before?" In my dreams.....all of them.....SPEAK DUMBASS!!! "Uh d'ya...du-yeah! Yeah, we went to school together!" "Oh, no shit! How many years?" Every year since Preschool, but it's cool that you don't remember.... "A few." "Cool, man, so um you come here often?" D-d-did he just lower his voice.....a-and touch my arm? 

"....w-what? What d'ya say? What do I want? Oh, um uh coffee. What d'ya mean 'what kind'? Coffee! It's a coffee shop, isn't it?!?! Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Um, iced coffee.....size? Small. W-wha but I just sai-SMALL! I SAID SMALL, NOT TALL! THERE'S A SMAH IN SMALL! DID I SAY SMAH OR TAH???? NO, YOU'RE BANNED, BITCH, YOU'RE BANNED!!!!!!"

Well done, Dean, you've officially made everyone INCLUDING THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS think your crazy. Wouldn't be the first time.....no no..the facts, go back to your facts!

_**The average porcupine has more than 30,000 quills.** _

_**The average porpoise weighs 103 pounds.** _

Way to fuck something else up, dumb bitch.

_**The average snail moves at a rate of approximately 0.000362005 miles per hour.** _

_**The average US male will spend 2,965 hours shaving during his lifetime.** _

The best thing that would ever happen to an pathetic loser like you and you screwed it up. Like he would've wanted you anyway, an ugly prick like you, he would've laughed in your face. _No....no go away......_

**_The FDA allows an average of 30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter._ **

**_The linen bandages that were used to wrap Egyptian mummies averaged 1,000 yards in length._ **

No one would ever want you, you.... _No, please, no...._

_**The size of a raindrop is around 0.5 mm - 2.5 mm, and they fall from the sky on average 21 feet per second.** _

_**The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.** _

Lunat- "Dude, hey, you alright?" Seth? He followed me? "That was amazing, her face, it was priceless!" "You're not upset with me for being.....cr-crazy?" "What? Crazy? Those size names are crazy, you? You're passionate!" Oh, that gapped smile.....wait is he...holding my hand? "Why don't we go get a normal sized cup of coffee, my treat?" "Y-yeah!"

\---------------------------

It's been three years since that faithful day I flipped out at that Starbucks and met the man of my dreams....face to face. We're still going strong and I still use facts to help distract me from the evil voices in my head but now......now they're a little different.

_**The average amount of kisses I receive per day is 5 with the amount of make out sessions being 2-3 depending on whether it's a weekday or weekend.** _

_**The giggle ratio I receive in a given day is 2:1 stupid joke I tell.** _

_**The average duration of sexual intercourse for us is 20 minutes and climbing.** _

AND

**_There is a 0% probability of me ever being lonely or unhappy again with the man of my dreams by my side._ **

****And that is a fact.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you can't tell, I used this page for my facts: http://www.corsinet.com/trivia/average.html  
> Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
